Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Why Writing Your Heart Out is Key

Happy humpday loves! Recently I started a journal and yesterday it came in handy for a few reasons. Before I dive in, I want to share how having a blog is great, but sometimes you need an even more of a {private} outlet to let it all out. It's extremely helpful especially if you are needing to organize your thoughts in your head and at the same time not have any filter, just BLAH, spit it out. No judgments, no qualms about it, just you, raw.

I was a little surprised how much it helped me because as you may have read, The Marine, didn't work out. While writing out my frustrations, I was surprised to find how liberated I felt afterwards. I even tried talking about it with my mom and that wasn't helpful at all because she's coming from a logical perspective.

Aside from that though, the process of writing in my journal came through for me in a way that I didn't know it could. I used to journal when I was younger, but I guess I stopped. I would eventually get back into it, only to drop it again. This time I really want to stick to it and my goal is to write in it every day. Who knows, maybe it will help me with blog ideas that I didn't even know I had brewing.

With everything that's been going on, it's helped me to release my thoughts and at the same time the stress those thoughts heavily weighed upon me. I read an article from this new blogger who shared the benefits of writing in a journal so I wanted to share that with y'all {here}. There are other wonderful blogs out there who also touch on similar keypoints, but it's late and ain't nobody got time for dat. Maybe I'll come back later and put them back in this post.

For now, I'm trying to be strong and even though there are tons of dating profiles that can land (and have trickled in) in my inbox, I'm just not interested. I'm hoping that this trip to Galveston will allow me to clear my head and give me a jolt to snap me back to my old Bella self {pre-The Marine}.

I wanted to also add that after I wrote all my thoughts down, I was amazed at what my inner self was telling me that I didn't even realize I was thinking. It's almost as if the stars aligned and showed me a side of myself that I wasn't aware of. Pretty fucking cool if you ask me.

It seriously feels like I'm cheating on my blog, but I see my journal as my blog's fraternal twin, or my blog's sidekick to keep me in check. In the future, I will share snippets of what I write, but don't expect drawings or cute doodles because that's not my forté. I'm just a writer.

I leave you with this kick ass quote, which inspired me to put on the lovely graphic above.

Do you journal? If so, how has it helped you if at all?

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

If It Talks Like a Duck, Walks Like a Duck, It's a Damn Duck

Feeling pretty sour right now and deep down I knew better. Having hope while dating someone is almost as if it was love that can make you blind. Despite the mounting evidence and inconsistencies, you tell yourself this person deserves another try. Well I reached the expiration date of fucks to give.

As I said in my post last week, The Marine was being sketchy. He would say he was going to try to come for his birthday weekend and he didn't. I gave him a chance thinking that he'll make it up by going with me to the wedding. Yesterday he tells me that he has to work and that didn't surprise me because he would avoid the topic when I would bring it up.

I pressed him yesterday because my BFF who's getting married needed a head count. He finally told me the truth that he has to work. What I don't get is, if he knew he had to work then why didn't he tell me that? This is the lack of communication I was griping about last week.

So I asked him if we can Skype or if he can send me a video. I have this suspicion that he's hiding something and I don't like that unsettling feeling. He said no and instead of being understanding and oblige, he made up a lie that he wasn't who he said he was. My heart was racing because maybe he was catfishing me after all.

He sends me a picture of some other guy who he claimed was him. Then the little watermark at the bottom of the picture said an URL for a "quick meme" site. I knew he was joking and it made me mad. How can he joke about something like that? It made me feel like he doesn't take my feelings seriously or tries to understand where I'm coming from.

This is all just a huge joke to him.

It makes me sad to realize that the guy I was interested in, turned out to be someone who is insensitive to others' feelings and concerns. Basically tries to make fun of my feelings, which are valid. Tell me that if the situation was reversed, he wouldn't ask for proof. In this day and age of online dating, we need proof. If you can't meet in person then FaceTime or Skype. Make an effort to show the other person that you're not pulling their chain. Last but not least, don't play a joke to make them feel silly for having fears they were being duped like any other human being would.

I am human and I am not going to apologize for it. In the end, he's the one who's wrong for acting this way.

Regardless of this ordeal, I am still looking forward to Galveston because I'm there to celebrate an important person in my life and hey, at least I'll get to go on a mini roadtrip and enjoy myself, solo.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Counting Down the Days...

Happy Monday loves! My weekend was pretty mellow since I hardly left the house. Let's just say Netflix was my companion and it certainly delivered. I watched Stranger Things (anyone seen it? it's so good!), finished Total Divas (can't wait until Total Bellas debuts in October), this weird movie called The Invitation, (it's a psychological thriller, so intense my heart was still beating hard after it ended) if you watch it let me know what you thought.

I watched Power and the ending nearly killed me from heartbreak. I hate when couples breakup! I cried with the characters... *insert eyeroll here*. It's crazy how TV characters take you back to a time when you felt the exact same way. I wanted to throw something at the TV, that's how mad I was.

On a happier note, I booked my hotel for Galveston and I'm glad this hotel is close to the wedding ceremony and pretty affordable. I can't believe in 5 days I'll be well on my way to Galveston, even though I'm driving solo it's going to come in handy listening to my free satellite radio and throw some new Frank Ocean in the mix. I can't wait to see my BFF get married and get to meet The Marine.

Since I'm a bit of a control freak, I already hinted to him how he should look. Button down with slacks, or a blazer with no tie and slacks, trimmed beard. I held back from hinting at colors so that we match, gotta hold on to my crazy a little while longer.

As for me, I need to get my nails done as well as get a new dress. Most of my dresses are in storage so I have a valid reason, plus my storage is all the way in Plano (which is a 45 min drive). I'm hoping I'll find a blush knee high dress, if it's simple that's fine but ideally I want it to have lace.

Regardless of how we look, we're gonna have a grand time. It's been a long time since I attended a wedding with someone I'm interested in. The past few weddings I've gone by myself or with a girlfriend. There's nothing wrong with that, but this is just different in a good way.

Even though I was a bed potato (watched TV in my bed) all weekend, I was only getting recharged for the last week of training at work and the incredible road trip ahead. Countdown begins.

PS. I blogged this weekend, so if you missed it here's how The Marine and I are back on. Click on the pic below.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Put it Into The Universe: "I'm Going to Marry You"

My heart is racing so fast right now as I'm trying to compose myself and type out what happened yesterday. In my last post, I know I was hot for a minute about being ghosted and how I'm going to just move on. After thinking things through during my cooling down period, I realized I didn't make a clear attempt to communicate with The Marine. Here I was upset that he wasn't communicating with me, but I wasn't doing that either.

Once I got over myself, I reached out to him because he did call me a few times and texted he misses me. So I asked him if he's coming this weekend and he said he's going to try. I know when you have a business as he does it's not that easy to drop everything and leave town, even if it's 4 hours. At the same time, I might have gotten a bit ahead of myself because after all, it's only been 3 weeks since we started talking.

So I told him about how my friend Lisa couldn't make it to the wedding in Galveston next weekend and I asked him if he would go with me and he said yes! Of course I'm going to have to meet him prior to the wedding to make sure he's not a lunatic and is who he says he is.

Right before that, we were talking about other stuff and he threw the biggest shocking curve ball I've ever experienced in my life. He flat out said, "I'm going to marry you". I froze and was speechless for a second. What the what?! I'm surprised I didn't swerve off the ramp and crash my little Civic.

I have NEVER heard a guy say those words to me. Not even my ex who I was in a serious relationship with for 8 years. Well, I sorta take that back. He did say it, but he used the words "I was going to marry you", as in past tense since he changed his mind. He said it to make me feel guilty. It didn't work because I was innocent of what he was trying to fault me with.

Anywho, so to actually hear the words I'M. GOING. TO. MARRY. YOU. really shocked me. My immediate reaction was, "What are you talking about? Don't say that to me". He was so confident in how he said it though, he sounded serious.

Now, usually guys say anything to get into girls' panties, but they NEVER EVER say I'm going to marry you. They might say I want you to be my baby mama, but that hardly counts as romantic unless you've grown up in an environment where that holds some value. Me, on the other hand, don't think that as romantic.

So I brushed it off like nothing and when we spoke later that evening, he brought it up again. He said, "I told you I'm going to marry you". I responded so charmingly, "Shut up!". To which he said, "Ok thanks babe, love you too geez". OMG. A part of me does not want to believe him, but a part of me does because he's putting it out there. He's putting it into the universe.

When people put stuff into the universe, that shit usually comes true. It reminds me of when I read JLO's book where she shared how Marc Anthony told her she's gonna be his wife when they first met. Marc put it into the universe you guys. That's insane. Granted, it didn't work out in the end for them, but that's not the point. I also saw 4 girlfriends' replies on my Facebook post where I talked about guys saying I'm going to marry you and they said how they also experienced this with their now husbands. Mind blown.

Moral of my story is, is that I'm going with the flow. I'm going to keep communicating and being hopeful that this really could turn into something great and I need to stop over analyzing everything. I told him that I was so mad at him this week and he laughed because he had a feeling I was mad. I told him I freaked out because I've never dated anyone long distance. He said neither has he, but he thinks I'm worth it. I told him, "Damn right I'm worth it!".

What I love is how when I told him, "But you always call me" in my whiny voice and he goes, "Aww you're so cute". I love that! That's how I know this guy adores me and apparently is going to marry me.

Is it weird that our first date is going to be at my BFF's wedding? I guess life really has a funny way of showing me that I'm finally meeting a guy who's worthy of me. I've never been to Galveston and for it being my first time there, it's going to be extra special. I cannot freaking wait.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

You Played Yourself

So much can change at the drop of a hat, or 48 hours. There are many downsides to dating and I didn't think I would be facing this side of it if at all, but alas it is here and it sucks. The Marine ghosted me and today is his birthday so Happy fucking Birthday to you. I guess we'll never know what could've been and I pat myself on the back for being open minded and giving it a whirl to date someone long distance (which is totally out of my comfort zone).

The signs are always there when you see a change in pattern. Anytime I've seen these signs, I'm always 100% right on the money. It makes me sad that he was too stupid to see what good thing we had going. For all I know, he could be married, has a girlfriend or hell, he could even be "cat fishing" me. The fact that he didn't make an effort to come see me when he said he would and now all of a sudden is busy, is a bullshit excuse because you make time for things that matter to you.

I'm no stranger to rejection. I deal with it at work doing sales, so dating is no different. I've rejected people and vice versa. When I see that he's ghosting me, I feel majorly rejected. Am I not good enough? Was it something I said? Did I overstep with my intensity when I like someone and show it? Deep down I know it's not me, it's him. As I said above, maybe he is indeed unavailable and has a secret life. Also, maybe he's not in a stage in his life where he wants to be in a relationship, let alone long distance.

The odds were stacked against us and I knew that. At one point, I didn't reach out to him because I was scared to pursue it. I knew that if I gave him a chance and he didn't come see me, then I would be wasting my time. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt so I kept on. Funny thing about birthdays is that they are really telling where that person sets their priorities. It's like a test you know?

I knew that if he came to see me on his birthday weekend, then he's for sure not tied to anyone and we can move to that next step to be dating each other. The reality is is that he disappears slowly so that he doesn't have to follow through on what he said he would do. That really is unfortunate because you know, he's turning 41 today, but age is just a number and he is just not the type to communicate.

I'm not gonna lie, I have been so emotional these last few days (you know my monthly visitor is here) and I cried out of frustration and pain. Thoughts in my head were all like I'm gonna be single forever. Why are men so selfish? This familiar feeling of pain of being rejected for no good reason. It hits me like a ton of bricks because I am an emotional person and my emotions are really intense. So when I gave up on dating and came across this man who I had a connection with, I thought to myself oh this is good.

I deserve a guy who likes my quirks, calls me beautiful, texts me good morning, just makes me feel good about being myself. Maybe he was pretending by doing all of the above and he might not have good intentions. Maybe it was just a fantasy because anyone can pretend on social media and over the phone. The truth of the matter is that I was in this alone. That's the part that hurts.

In the end, it's his loss. He'll never know what it's like to be in my presence (which is pretty phenomenal, I'm just saying), or get to hold my hand, or look into my eyes, or make me smile. He played himself out of a chance of something that could've been great. I'm moving on with a chip on my shoulder, but I'll be fine.

Maybe this was best for me to no longer waste my time on someone who wanted a fantasy, who had no intention of ever meeting me in person. Not only that, it shows his lack of character where he much rather please himself by avoiding the awkwardness than being man enough to say "Hey, I think you're a cool girl, but this is not going to work for me".

They say when you hurt a Scorpio (my sign), you open the gates of hell. If by gates of hell means going MIA and not wishing him a happy birthday, then so be it. He's going to see a side of me he never knew existed #consequences.

It's still raining men y'all. Mr. Right Now invited me to happy hour the other day only to go radio silent. Then the next day he calls me as he's about to fly out to Vegas with his kids. Like, wow, am I really that much of an afterthought? No thanks, not interested.

I have a breakfast date this Saturday with an Army boy, so cheers to no long distance! This one seems nice so I'll keep you posted. I hope I didn't disappoint anyone about The Marine. This is seriously what happens in the dating world and it sucks.

It's almost Friday!! Boy, I feel better now that I jotted all of this down. Have you ever been ghosted? If so, did you get an answer as to why?