The past few days have been really hard. My family lost a dear family member unexpectedly and I’m going to Dallas this week to be with them. Those kind of surprises are never good and always leaves one feeling blindsided and numb. I also got another surprise that I didn’t see coming. Or maybe I should have seen it coming because he’s shown he’s not someone you can trust. But I think it’s safe to say that our relationship is really over.
I don’t have any regrets because I gave him a second chance. A part of me wondered if I was doing the right thing by giving him a second chance and so when things unraveled yesterday, it confirmed that he really didn’t even deserve that second chance. If someone gave me a chance at love, I wouldn’t treat them unfairly. Especially when they’re dealing with grief. That just goes to show you that not everybody thinks like I do and instead are selfish.
Being selfish is totally fine because that’s exactly how I’m going to become. Only looking out for myself and not giving too much to people who don’t deserve it. I know eventually the right person will come along who will show me they’re true and are worthy.
One thing I learned about addicts is that they are quick to blame everyone, as well as outside circumstances to justify their behavior. Even if they’re recovering, some of that mindset is still there. The fact is they want what they want when they want it. Not a care in the world how their actions hurt others or even themselves. They just want that fix. Or they will do what they feel it’s best for them, which in this case it might be a good thing that we’re not together.
At the end of the day, don’t hurt people so that others won’t have a bad perception about you. Do good things and you won’t have to worry about anything. But when you wrong others, there are consequences and they pop up out of nowhere like they did yesterday. I had a feeling something was going to happen and even though I tried to avoid it, it was out of my control. I just didn’t expect what followed and it was really unfair and I deserve better.
I’m just glad that I don’t have to be at work this week and I can grieve the loss of my family member and the loss of this love. Only God knows why this is happening, but I trust that his timing is right and I’m faithful that this is a blessing in disguise. I’m back on the single island and it feels good, the water is warm and the sun feels great on my skin.