My Biggest Fear

The other day I was watching Sex And The City movie (since I have no internet, just been watching my old movies) and I always tear up at that very moment where Carrie is in despair and loses it with Big out there in the streets of New York. So I started to think that that has got to be one of my biggest fears to get jilted on my wedding day or days leading up to my wedding day. I cannot imagine what I would do. My first instinct would probably be to kill my fiancée or hurt him right away without delay. In what shape or form would that happen, I don’t know. I just know that it would go down.

I think the chances that most likely this could happen is if the guy has already been married before. In Big’s case he had already been married twice before so I could see why he was hesitant, although wrong of him because he shouldn’t have agreed to marry her if he wasn’t 100% sure he was doing the right thing.

I also think that this fear is ever so prevalent because I was with someone for almost a decade and just like that he walked away. Just like that he knew that he did not want to spend his life with me and that shit hurt. I think that was one of the hardest things I had to overcome in my life. My first heartbreak and letting go of my first love was something I never thought I had to do, but somehow I could see it in the horizon as time went on. I could see he had no desire to move forward with OUR lives.

I think later Carrie acknowledged that she had a feeling he would jilt her. All women come wired with that intuition, that gut feeling that tells you something is not right. It’s up to us to decide to listen to what our heart is telling us, or we blind ourselves in love and hope for the best, that it’s all in our heads. That’s when shit hits the fan ladies and gents. I do not want to be blind again, especially if a situation like this arises one day.

Although it may be hard to face it, it’s something that you can’t just not pay attention to because if you don’t then it will blow up in your face and it will hurt all the more. It’s almost like having to rip off that band aid and get on the road to healing asap. I know pain and failure is something we all want to avoid at all costs, but that’s when our character is tested and that’s when we grow.

So one day when my future husband is on bended knee, I will put the fear of God in him to make sure this is what HE wants because if not he would need to read this post, as a fair warning. Come to think of it, if this comes true then I guess this is my confession and I would land my ass in jail. For the sake of writing though, this is just me sharing one of my biggest fears that I never wish it upon anyone, least of all myself.

What is your biggest fear? If you were Carrie, what would you have done?

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