…Or less. Remember the movie with Kate Hudson? Well I’m sure I broke an all time record if there ever was one. A few weeks ago I did the unthinkable and unforgivable. I know I haven’t talked about Fab on the blog lately and it’s due to so many things that went on that I couldn’t even find my place in the midst of it all.
As some of you know, I am going through the thick of it and I’m doing my best to survive this storm I’m weathering. When you’re hurting, you hurt others and that’s the plain truth. I said somethings I’m not proud of and once they came out I couldn’t take them back.
I have never lashed out in this way and I will make sure I never will again. Basically I hurt a man’s ego to the point of no return; I killed his ego to where I don’t think there’s much ego left in him. I don’t even want to repeat what I said because it was really bad y’all. Just know that Bella did a big boo boo.
It’s been weeks since this happened and I have done everything I could to make amends. I apologized profusely, reached out through different social outlets. I almost even mailed out a letter, but didn’t feel the need to go to that extreme.
So now what I’ve realized is that he’s gonna need some time, some space and maybe, mayyyybe he’ll slowly come around. I could sit here and tell you that he won’t come back, that it’s done for good, but something tells me our story is not finished yet. That’s crazy right? I just feel it in my gut.
I can’t even go on dates with guys anymore. I have no interest in anyone, I don’t want to re-start the dating cycle. I miss him every day that goes by and it’s torture having this feeling that I hurt someone I really cared for and there’s nothing I can do. I just know those are the consequences I must face and it’s harsh but it’s reality.
I hope he will forgive me one day because I am not the type of person to be so brutal and hurt people. My heart is so heavy with pain that I don’t know what to do with it. I prayed to God one night that Fab would respond to me because he was giving me the silent treatment. God answered my prayer and although it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, I cried because I knew that God listened to me and came through.
For now I just gotta pick up the pieces and move along even though I don’t want to. I hope this experience teaches others not to follow my example because it’s a huge no no to hurt a man’s ego.
I even thought that I should inflate it back up and tell him all the things I like about him, but it will fall on deaf ears. What’s done is done and when a man’s ego is hurt, it’s extremely hard to get that trust back.
I also came to the conclusion that until I get myself out of this rut, I shouldn’t focus on anyone else but myself. If I had just focused on myself, this wouldn’t have happened. Then again, life is about learning from our mistakes and growing with each struggle so that we can become stronger through it.
I am sorry I hurt him and so disappointed in myself. I think the way to healing is to forgive myself because after all I am human and made mistakes. I’m not perfect and know that I shouldn’t give into my emotions because I do it way too often. So much so that I drove a man away who’s shown me there’s good guys out there and he liked me the same way I liked him.
Gonna go cry in my pillow now and life goes on.