No matter how hard you try to prevent the inevitable, it happens. Being on the mend and single again is not my number one choice. Out of all of the choices, I didn’t want to pick this one. But when you are so unhappy and your needs aren’t met then it’s time to take action. Y’all know back in February, we broke up once before. We weren’t on the same page and miscommunicated. I hate to admit it, but it kept happening.
I started to realize that not only are we on different pages, same with maturity levels. Trying to have a heart to heart conversation to resolve an issue with someone who would much rather brush past it and ignore it is where chaos and frustration starts. Then it builds up where it becomes the elephant in the room and as a result, it’s a rocky ass foundation.
Besides that, I started to feel like he didn’t really see me. And I mean really know me for me and not just my looks. I get that as humans we want to be attracted to our significant other, but when you feel like all that person’s focus is your outside, it doesn’t do anything for you. At least for me, it didn’t. It got to the point where I felt I was getting catcalled by my own boyfriend.
For me, I need a man to seduce and stimulate my mind. To tell me things that he appreciates about me that I’ve done and to be supportive most of all. The compliments were too much and too surface-y. People would tell me I’m not grateful and I was, but when it was overdone, it turned me off. It didn’t speak to my soul. When you hear you’re pretty or fine several times a day, it loses its value and it doesn’t translate the way it was meant to be delivered.
What’s more is that I wasn’t being challenged in this relationship because he wasn’t on my same level. In turn, I would feel he wasn’t doing anything for me emotionally. I wanted to connect on a deeper level and it wasn’t happening.
My last relationship with my ex Sid, he didn’t want to marry me. That included him not wanting to move in together. I found myself feeling very unloved and unsupported, but I stayed in that relationship for too long thinking it would get better. It didn’t. So when a similar situation presented itself with Nestor, it brought back those feelings and memories of being unloved.
I’d be damned if I was going to let this happen again. Why would I waste any more time with someone who only loves me conditionally? I need unconditional love. A love where no matter if we’re both going through a hard time or one of us, will push each other and be there for one another.
We were so incompatible, it was obvious. We couldn’t come together no matter how hard we tried. All of these things combined made me unhappy and I was becoming spiteful, mean and irritated. Which is so not like me. I’ve been there before where my relationship brought the worst side of me and it was happening with us. I always felt Nestor assumed the worst of me where he would think I would get mad (something his exes did) so he would hold back a lot of his emotions and what he wanted to say.
It’s unhealthy to be in a relationship where you don’t feel you can talk to your partner about anything. That’s what connects you and when you aren’t best friends, the romantic aspect of the relationship suffers. Having a solid foundation as best friends will take you a long way.
He stopped believing in me and that really hurt me. It hurt worse because my last relationship he stopped believing in me too. When your significant other doesn’t believe in you, that’s toxic. It’s detrimental to your life and it’s the worst feeling in the world. If they assume you’ll never get out of a rut you’re in, what’s to stop you from thinking the same? It’s terrible because then it’s contagious and you won’t believe in yourself either.
I know it’s also a consequence of how he was raised. He didn’t have certain people who believed in him, instead they wore him down to a pebble. That type of abuse will scar someone for life unless they seek help to heal from those wounds which are buried deep. But when they are clueless that they are insecure and top that with being prideful that they need help, forget it.
So all of this led me to a very difficult decision to move on. I felt that he didn’t get a lot of the things I was trying to express, my needs weren’t met and I didn’t feel support when I really needed it most. I wanted us to live together but he gave me so many excuses why he didn’t want to yet.
When a man loves you, he will move mountains and make shit happen. When he comes up with excuses is because he’s not ready or serious to be truly committed. I’m about constantly growing and becoming a better version of myself. Whereas he, he’s comfortable not changing and staying the same. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t want to challenge himself to become a better man. Instead, he’s getting by and not really realizing that he’s keeping himself stagnant.
I never realized how when someone is insecure in who they are, nothing you do or say can help them become secure. Insecurity is not only my pet peeve but when your partner sees himself as an ugly, never good enough person (which is so far from the truth), it’s really sad. They can’t grow out of that if they don’t see that they have a problem and want to get help. What’s unfortunate is that his past made him this insecure person. But to sit there and not lift a finger to grow out of that, is really telling.
What’s worse is that he’s not breaking the cycle and passing his insecurity onto his son. He doesn’t build his confidence or tell him he loves him, which is what he learned from his family: they don’t say the L word to each other. I knew right then I couldn’t raise kids with him. My future kids would never hear those words from their own father? Hell no. It’s not healthy. And he may think he turned out alright, but he’s almost 40 and not really learning about himself to become a better person.
His priorities were childish and not of a man his age. Such as not realizing that he should save his money if he wants to buy a house one day. Or becoming a citizen so that he could get a passport and travel to other countries. There were so many things that were more important to him than what I would deem a person ready to have a family such as entertainment and things you don’t need.
I was scared to end up pregnant and him not really taking care of me and/or our child. He was just all about me, me, me. One of the last things he told me was that he wanted to get a bigger place when I would have my life together. How easy for him right? He’ll only take action after he sees ME take action. For better or worse right? Yeah not so much. I didn’t have any confidence that he would grow up because he’s still following his childish ways.
A real man takes action and leads by example. None of this I will do what needs to be done, after you do what you need to do. That’s such a cop out.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sad, disappointed and hurt. I really wanted us to work out because it has been so long (7 years) since I felt someone love me. But sometimes love is not enough if it’s not backed by all of these things that needed to happen. It wasn’t the kind of love I desperately needed.
I love Nestor, I still do. He just didn’t love himself enough to see all the things we constantly talked about. To this day, he doesn’t even see what he did wrong and just finds fault in how I’m the one who’s leaving him. Yeah, I’m leaving him because he didn’t make any attempt to save us or listen to me on what I needed. He was content in staying the same, while I wanted us to grow. He wanted things to be easy and when challenges came, he failed to step up. He somehow thought I was still in love with my ex (his insecurity peeking in) when all that was was how I was feeling unloved.
If he truly had plans for us, now was the time for him to act. He missed his golden opportunity to show me he is a man. Instead, he is a boy. I am a woman and I need a man, not a teenager. He treated me like a trophy and I despised it. There’s so much more to me that he didn’t get to see because he wasn’t ready. We were not on the same level. Not to say that I’m better because I’m not, we just couldn’t understand each other. He liked touching (his love language) and I don’t. My love language is words of affirmation, where I need to hear you love me and how you appreciate me.
I’m not blaming him like he is blaming me, we just weren’t cut from the same cloth. He’s a square and I am a circle. The pieces can fit, but they have to be forced. And I didn’t want to force things with him anymore. Truth is he’s not ready to be in a relationship because he has a lot of growing up to do. He was definitely not husband material. It hurt too much and I realized it was best to move on so that we can each find our perfect match. He’ll see it one day and I saw it before he does now.
Already he has tried to make me jealous and I find it so immature. Totally expected and I’m not the least surprised. If he keeps this up, he’ll keep settling for whoever comes his way because he doesn’t know any better. I will never take scraps as if I’m a stray dog. You know why? Because I am secure in who I am and I know what I want and don’t want.
While there were many good things Nestor provided, the cons outweighed the pros and I couldn’t just ignore it and settle. In the process, I was losing my happiness, my peace and my integrity to be true to myself. I’m in my mid thirties, I don’t have time to waste and wait for a guy to grow up into a man. That shit takes years and I want to have a family soon.
All that to say, I am not sorry that I stood by what I believe in. That I will not just be with someone for the sake of not wanting to be alone. I am perfectly happy being alone and it’s a fact that men don’t know how to be alone. It’s their demise and it’s no wonder God gave Adam Eve.
Deep down I know that I gave this relationship all I had until there wasn’t anything left to give. I’m thankful for my past experiences in showing me when the same thing was happening again, talk about deja vu.
One fine day, I will meet the man who is perfect for me and he will show me that he wants me in his world, make room, do whatever it takes to keep me and not fuck things up. He’s out there.
In the meanwhile, I’m staying true to myself because that’s who I need to be true to. That’s what happens when you have self love. I love me.