I’ve come to the realization that during this time that I can’t talk to Ryan (if you missed it, he’s in rehab) it’s been hard not talking to him. As a way of dealing with missing him, I figured why not write letters to him as if I’m talking to him every day so when he gets out, he’ll be able to catch up.
I’ll also send him a letter to encourage him and keep the communication going. Earlier today I got a text from someone saying Ryan says hi and needs my address. Funny how we were both thinking the same thing, we’re so connected it creeps me out sometimes (in a good way).
Let’s just get to it. Here’s a partial letter because it got too long.
“There’s no need to think about your past or talk about it with friends, the past is the past. Leave it there.
I want you to think about your day to day. What you put your energy towards, is it serving you or taking from you? Is it going to set you up for success or failure? If it’s the latter, then don’t entertain it. Have self control in all areas and you’ll be stronger for it. I believe one day you’re going to be someone else’s mentor. Or write a kick ass book one day and share your story.
Tell me stories of how it’s going. What are you learning? Do you miss me?
On another note, life without you is really strange. It’s good because I can focus on me again, but all the while I miss you so much. I even had a dream where a hot guy was throwing himself at me and I told him I have a boyfriend. Even in my dreams, I’m loyal. When I was walking to work earlier this week, I saw this building cement logo that said RYAN. It freaked me out because I felt like the universe was reminding me of you, in the unexpected places. Or when I tuned into J Balvin’s concert on TV and he was singing that song you like so much.
At work, I kept thinking you were coming around the corner and almost bumping into me. When I was sitting at lunch, I thought you were coming to sit next to me. It’s like your aura is still there, reminding me of you and then I get sad all over again. It feels so good writing to you because I have so much I want to say, but I had no way of expressing it, until now.
I can’t wait to see you! There’s so many things I want to do with you, celebrate our birthdays, show you my new place, finally go run at the park, go to the movies, get ice cream or coffee, just really keep enjoying each other’s company like we always do. Before I forget, today is our one month anniversary. Happy one month! I can’t believe it’s been a month since you asked me to be your girl.
It’s been a crazy first month babe, but I know that you’re worth it. We have something rare and so special, I never thought you and I would fall for each other like we have, but I’m thankful. You make me feel like I can be myself and I like who I am when I’m with you. I just feel at peace and I’m glad you feel calm when you’re around me.
Whatever the future holds, I just want you happy and healthy. When your mom told me she was thankful for what I did, it hit me and I almost cried. This was so hard and I don’t ever want to go through this again or see you like that again, it wasn’t you. I hope you feel the same and want better for yourself because you deserve all the happiness. I just hope that I’m able to be a part of that and keep on this path we’re on. I love you so much Ryan. I can’t wait to hear from you soon.